We know how busy you are – or, at least, how busy you ought to be – so we are writing to Santa on your behalf! Don’t bother to thank us – we’re used to being under-appreciated.
Dear Santa,You’ll have to excuse Gail this year for maxing out your naughty-or-nice-list software. Who could have predicted a “naughty” list would have to be that long? Clearly she wasn’t paying attention, didn’t try hard enough, and messed up just about everything she did. I do happen to know how sorry she is, though, since I’m making sure she’s examining and re-examining every mistake, misstep, and miserable moment in excruciating detail. She doesn’t really deserve anything for Christmas, but you should probably bring her something small – very, very small – so that she doesn’t ruin everyone else’s holiday.Thanks. She owes you. She promises she’ll be better next year.The Critic
Dear Santa,I realize that you have Rick on your coal-in-stocking list, but that situation wasn’t really his fault. There were at least three other guys that were in deeper than him and, besides, how could he have known? Do you know what it’s like these days, all the things a guy has to do? And everyone was doing it, anyway – why should he be the one who suffers? Besides, it’s the holidays, right, and isn’t peace and forgiveness what it’s all about? Who are you to judge, anyway? What do you pay those elves? With all those orders and deadlines, I’m guessing your workshop is an occupational safety nightmare. But Rick won’t blow the whistle if he’s got a reason to be satisfied this Christmas.You hear me?The Rationalizer (with assistance from The Escalator)
Dear Santa,Carol and Dick need a heads up from you on your preferred cookie flavors and whether or not you’ve developed a milk intolerance over the past year – they are happy to provide Lactaid with enough notice. Also, they’d like to request that you land on the NE corner of the roof so that you’re less likely to wake the children. Besides, the prevailing winds are such that you’ll have a smoother ride that way. Since you’ll be heading South when you leave their house, would you mind delivering some packages to Dick’s sister’s house – it’s right on your way. They’ll leave them in a clearly marked stack three feet to the left of the tree. And when delivering their packages, please pay better attention to gift arrangement than last year – it seems they were rather hastily delivered and did not create a pleasing presentation. They trust that you have checked your list twice regarding their fine china collection – and that you will not repeat the error of bringing yet another gravy boat.I hope production is on schedule.The Planner