The New Year Comes – Are You Ready?!?

December 28, 2011
Solar flares and storms cause chaos!
Something crashes into the earth!
Our civilization collapses!
Nature takes revenge!

The end of 2011 is quickly approaching.  Are you ready for what comes next?

As you have no doubt heard, 2012 may bring with it the End of the World.  All you have to do is Google “2012 end of the world” or “2012 doomsday” to see the truth of this.  And, rather than just one type of approaching doom, we have a whole smorgasbord of possible disasters, both familiar and unfamiliar:

  • galactic alignment opening the way for a huge black hole to swallow us
  • massive solar flares which cause all kinds of mischief (magnetic pole reversals, electrical systems disruption, devastating increases in sexual pleasure)
  • planetary collision
  • nearby stars going supernova
  • alien invasions
  • cultural collapse into complete chaos
  • weather disasters, earthquakes, global warming
  • simply the end – whatever that means

As we see it, you have a few choices.  Our various members have their favorites, so we’ll let them speak for each one.

The Planner recommends: Prepare for every possible catastrophe.  You will want to include all of the above, of course; but don’t forget to prepare yourself for the disastrous changes in your personal life that preparing for all the above will cause, as you spend all your money, time, and energy (because nothing less will do!) on preps.  But don’t worry.  When disaster strikes, they – all those people who thought you were crazy – will flock around and thank you.

The Rationalizer recommends: There’s nothing you can do about those things. So why not just enjoy the time you have left?  Those things you always wanted to do but were afraid to do – the drinking binges, the orgies (food and other), punching that annoying neighbor, pinching the (your favorite body part) of your co-worker – now’s your time!  The world will end before the lawsuits can reach the courtroom!  Go for it!

The Realist recommends: Why bother? Seriously.  What do you know about planetary collisions, solar flares, supernovas, survival, all that kind of thing? And you’re going to learn now?  I don’t think so.  Truth is, you’re screwed.  The best thing you can do is put bars over your windows and extra locks on your doors, load up your shotgun, and wait.

The Forgetter recommends: Disaster?  What disaster?  Was that supposed to happen in 2012?  Wasn’t it 2009, that recession thing? It’s over, right?

Don’t like any of those choices?  Don’t worry!
The rest of our member recommendations are coming soon!
In the meantime, you might want to brush up on your brush up on your skills – visit our advice column Why Bother?


Looking into the New Year

December 30, 2008

Hi.  I’m The Realist, from your Board of Mis-Directors, and I have some timely words of wisdom for you as the new year comes crashing down upon you.

You so need me at this time of year. Like clockwork, all those false, inflated hopes for the new year come,  and you fall for them every time.  As if this year will be any different from any other.  It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy to know just how I’m needed.

It’s that New Years Resolutions thing.  We’ve got to talk about it.

I just want you to remember: I’m always here to help you accept the limitations of your character and life.  You know just how hard it is to make changes.  Why make so much trouble for yourself?  Why sign up for so much trauma?  Realistically speaking, once you reach a certain age, it’s almost impossible to make lasting changes.  Research studies prove it!  So why bother?  Is it really worth all that effort, only to fail?  Why give yourself the heartbreak?  How much easier just to accept that you’re never going to be much different than you are right now, and settle into it.
Barack Obama had it exactly backwards.  The proper attitude, the only attitude that shows an accurate perception of your reality, is “No, I can’t.”  Hold onto that, and you’ll never be disappointed.

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