The New Year Comes – Are You Ready?!?

December 28, 2011
Solar flares and storms cause chaos!
Something crashes into the earth!
Our civilization collapses!
Nature takes revenge!

The end of 2011 is quickly approaching.  Are you ready for what comes next?

As you have no doubt heard, 2012 may bring with it the End of the World.  All you have to do is Google “2012 end of the world” or “2012 doomsday” to see the truth of this.  And, rather than just one type of approaching doom, we have a whole smorgasbord of possible disasters, both familiar and unfamiliar:

  • galactic alignment opening the way for a huge black hole to swallow us
  • massive solar flares which cause all kinds of mischief (magnetic pole reversals, electrical systems disruption, devastating increases in sexual pleasure)
  • planetary collision
  • nearby stars going supernova
  • alien invasions
  • cultural collapse into complete chaos
  • weather disasters, earthquakes, global warming
  • simply the end – whatever that means

As we see it, you have a few choices.  Our various members have their favorites, so we’ll let them speak for each one.

The Planner recommends: Prepare for every possible catastrophe.  You will want to include all of the above, of course; but don’t forget to prepare yourself for the disastrous changes in your personal life that preparing for all the above will cause, as you spend all your money, time, and energy (because nothing less will do!) on preps.  But don’t worry.  When disaster strikes, they – all those people who thought you were crazy – will flock around and thank you.

The Rationalizer recommends: There’s nothing you can do about those things. So why not just enjoy the time you have left?  Those things you always wanted to do but were afraid to do – the drinking binges, the orgies (food and other), punching that annoying neighbor, pinching the (your favorite body part) of your co-worker – now’s your time!  The world will end before the lawsuits can reach the courtroom!  Go for it!

The Realist recommends: Why bother? Seriously.  What do you know about planetary collisions, solar flares, supernovas, survival, all that kind of thing? And you’re going to learn now?  I don’t think so.  Truth is, you’re screwed.  The best thing you can do is put bars over your windows and extra locks on your doors, load up your shotgun, and wait.

The Forgetter recommends: Disaster?  What disaster?  Was that supposed to happen in 2012?  Wasn’t it 2009, that recession thing? It’s over, right?

Don’t like any of those choices?  Don’t worry!
The rest of our member recommendations are coming soon!
In the meantime, you might want to brush up on your brush up on your skills – visit our advice column Why Bother?

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Letters to Santa from Your Favorite Mis-Directors

December 9, 2011
You better watch out...

You better watch out...

We know how busy you are – or, at least, how busy you ought to be – so we are writing to Santa on your behalf! Don’t bother to thank us – we’re used to being under-appreciated.

From the Critic…
Dear Santa,
You’ll have to excuse Gail this year for maxing out your naughty-or-nice-list software.  Who could have predicted a “naughty” list would have to be that long? Clearly she wasn’t paying attention, didn’t try hard enough, and messed up just about everything she did.  I do happen to know how sorry she is, though, since I’m making sure she’s examining and re-examining every mistake, misstep, and miserable moment in excruciating detail.  She doesn’t really deserve anything for Christmas, but you should probably bring her something small – very, very small – so that she doesn’t ruin everyone else’s holiday.
Thanks.  She owes you.  She promises she’ll be better next year.
The Critic
From the Rationalizer…
Dear Santa,
I realize that you have Rick on your coal-in-stocking list, but that situation wasn’t really his fault.  There were at least three other guys that were in deeper than him and, besides, how could he have known?  Do you know what it’s like these days, all the things a guy has to do?  And everyone was doing it, anyway – why should he be the one who suffers?  Besides, it’s the holidays, right, and isn’t peace and forgiveness what it’s all about?  Who are you to judge, anyway?  What do you pay those elves?  With all those orders and deadlines, I’m guessing your workshop is an occupational safety nightmare.  But Rick won’t blow the whistle if he’s got a reason to be satisfied this Christmas.
You hear me?
The Rationalizer (with assistance from The Escalator)
From The Planner…
Dear Santa,
Carol and Dick need a heads up from you on your preferred cookie flavors and whether or not you’ve developed a milk intolerance over the past year – they are happy to provide Lactaid with enough notice.  Also, they’d like to request that you land on the NE corner of the roof so that you’re less likely to wake the children. Besides, the prevailing winds are such that you’ll have a smoother ride that way.  Since you’ll be heading South when you leave their house, would you mind delivering some packages to Dick’s sister’s house – it’s right on your way.  They’ll leave them in a clearly marked stack three feet to the left of the tree.  And when delivering their packages, please pay better attention to gift arrangement than last year – it seems they were rather hastily delivered and did not create a pleasing presentation.  They trust that you have checked your list twice regarding their fine china collection – and that you will not repeat the error of bringing yet another gravy boat.
I hope production is on schedule.
The Planner

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