First, we want you to know that we feel for you. All of you who have lost jobs, or have no health care, or have taken pay cuts, or have lost businesses, or have had mental breakdowns under the stress – all of you, and more. We really do feel for you.
But we want you to get the most out of this vast, profound learning opportunity! So we have some words of advice and consolation for you.
First of all, let us just remind you that, sadly, the kinds of excesses that brought this whole thing on are just an inherent part of the human condition. People will always be greedy, whether they’re politicians or bankers or plumbers or baristas, and will always do their best to manipulate the system to get everything they can out of it. Get used to it. And if you’re not doing it, you should begin to think of yourself as sub-human, not super-human. Don’t kid yourself with that peace-and-goodwill-toward-men crap – you just don’t have the guts to live up to your human potential.
Second, it was a really bad, foolish, pie-in-the-sky idea to start that business in the first place – we tried to tell you, over and over. Had a few years of prosperity, did you? Had some fun, learned a lot? And does that compensate you for this? We think not. Next time, just whack your big toe with a hammer instead. At least that pain will go away faster.
Third, do you really think everybody deserves jobs and health care? Do you? Who told you that, some liberal Democrat, or socialist, or Canadian? Or some bleeding-heart mother? Toughen up.
Fourth, all your fears about world-wide conspiracies to take the US down are true. And you are the first, experimental victims.
Fifth, and last for today, if you’re one of the lucky ones who has not lost a job, has not had a pay cut, still has health insurance, is thriving in business, and has never been happier, we’d like to ask why the hell you’re not sharing your abundance with those less fortunate than you. Who do you think you are, anyway? Do you think you deserve more or better than the homeless guy on the street? What makes you so special? If you had any compassion at all, you’d give away all your money to the poor.
If we somehow managed to miss your particular situation and you’d like some advice on how to better yourself, just drop us a comment. We have plenty of advice for everyone.