Relationship Advice: We’re There When You Need Us

Dear Board of MisDirectors:

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a year ago, and he’s still blaming me for all his problems.  We only went out for three months.  Shouldn’t there be a 2-times-the-length-of-the-relationship rule about how long this can go on?

Signed,
Feeling Too Powerful in Newark

Dear FTP in N,

We’re so glad you came to us for advice – you need it!  We have quickly rallied our best experts to help you sort out this all too common problem.

From The Expressor: Clearly your boyfriend has things he needs to express!  When that is the case, it really is best to just let it out, as holding back results in untold costs.  And yes, you may have noticed: “boyfriend” is the correct term here.  If he is still having such strong feelings for you, then obviously the relationship is not nearly as over as you thought.  Just sit for a moment with how that feels – you may even feel you just want to have a good cry yourself.  Once your own complex feelings have a chance to be expressed (including relief – who wants to die alone?), you’ll find that you’ll be grateful for the way your good young man has kept a light shining all this time.

From The Critic: The question needs to be asked:  just what did you do to him?  Seeing how we have wounded another person is not easy, but it’s a blessing in disguise.  Think of him as a report card, giving you feedback at how well you performed in the syllabus of love.  It sounds like you need some remedial review.  In fact, that would be a prerequisite before you make another person miserable with what can only be you toxic girlfriend ways.

From The Escalator: You have fallen for the oldest trick in the book, my dear.  How can what he suffered be anything close to what you had to deal with?  He’s obviously a needy, clingy, pathological, and perverted human being.  The best course here is an Order of Protection, combined with alerting all your girlfriends, family and co-workers about how unsafe you with him around so that you can have 24 hour protection.  Meanwhile, double up on your therapy visits, and send him the bill.

There you have it!  The advice you need, at a price you can afford, carefully designed to cover all eventualities so that you’re never at a loss.  We’re confident that if you work hard you’ll see the wisdom of combining all three of these expert opinions to make your relationship the meaning and purpose of your life.

Write again!  We’re glad to help!

Your Board of MisDirectors

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